


The Tragicall Romance of Bruce Wayne

by Romany



Category: DCU (Comics)
Genre: Dialogue-Only, Humor, M/M, Metatexual, Millerverse, Why Miller Why
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2008-02-21
Updated: 2008-02-21
Packaged: 2018-02-09 12:12:42
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,064
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1982547
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Romany/pseuds/Romany
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Only one man has the vision, the sheer strength of will, to push mankind toward a brighter destiny. Yet a vile villain, mistaken as a hero, a false god, nay, verily a craven man and a fool, stands in his way...</p>
<p>A metatextual dialogue on the works of Frank Miller. Completely irreverent.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Tragicall Romance of Bruce Wayne

**Act III: The Dark Knight Returns**

Clark: *shows up at manor* Bruce, we need to talk...

Bruce: I know, let's go horseback riding!

Clark: Er, I'm not dressed for that.

Bruce: That's all right, I'm sure we can find you something.

Clark: *changes* It doesn't even fit! *struggles to button shirt, fails*

Bruce: *drools* Oh no, it's perfect. I'll get the picnic basket and blanket.

Clark: Blanket? *x-rays basket* Is that Astroglide in there? What?

Bruce: *glares* Shut up. Why do you have to ruin everything by talking?

 

Bruce: *punches* Years from now, in your most private moments...

Clark: *bleeds* Wait, what? Are you talking private time as in masturbation?

Bruce: *throttles* I want you to remember my hand around your neck...

Clark: *sputters* You are! You want me to jerk off to you!

Bruce: *kicks* I do not! You're just stupid! You sold us out, Clark.

Clark: Ow! Is this about Lois?

Bruce: *throttles again* She's dead to me!

Clark: *sighs* Is that why she's not in the book?

Bruce: *furious* Clark, this is _our_ story, about how I'm the better man...

Clark: *bleeds more, punches back* This is idiotic, Bruce. We could have just done a movie, had coffee after...

Bruce: *more furious* Movie? See, that's why you're an idiot. My parents died in this very alley because of a damn movie!

Clark: *holds up hands* Okay, okay. Dinner then. Maybe a little dancing.

Bruce: *pauses* Dinner? You mean you would've...

Clark: Bruce, your heart...

Bruce: *has heart attack, dies*

Clark: Bruce! *cries*

 

**Act I: Batman: Year One**

 

Bruce: So Alfred, how do you like my costume? *twirls*

Alfred: Wonderful, Master Bruce. Just like our friend in Metropolis.

Bruce: *glares* He's not my friend. I don't even know the man.

Alfred: As you say, sir. But I'm sure the two of you will get on famously.

Bruce: *fumes* We will not. He's an idiot!

Alfred: *sighs* An idiot, if I may dare to remind you, who came up with this idea first?

Bruce: *sputters* He did not! All my years of training, preparing...

Alfred: *sighs again* Which I'm sure he's done as well.

Bruce: No way! He's just an alien with superpowers. _I'm_ the one who's the pinnacle of human achievement.

Alfred: Which is quite dazzling, in a frightening way, sir. But I'm afraid, in the eyes of the public, he'll always be seen as first.

Bruce: *fumes* Go make a sandwich or something. *remembers manners* I'm sorry, Alfred. Please, could you make me a sandwich?

Alfred: As you wish, Master Bruce. *leaves cave*

Bruce: Stupid alien...

 

**Act IV: The Dark Knight Strikes Again**

 

Clark: *distraught, punches way into cave* Bruce, I need you!

Bruce: *crazy* Ha! I knew you'd come one day. I'm ready for you, Clark. Look, I brought friends.

Clark: *almost every superhero in the world takes a shot* OW! WTF?

Bruce: *puts on rock-em sock-em kryptonite gloves, punches repeatedly* This isn't personal, Clark. But am I ever enjoying it. Hee!

Clark: *bleeds everywhere* What do you mean not personal? Are you still ticked about the meadow? I had to leave. Get over it.

Bruce: *enraged, punches* I. Do. Not. Have. A. Hard-on. For. You. This is politics, plain and simple.

Clark: *sighs* Yeah, right. It was bad enough that you had me killing people as a government stooge. Now you have me working for _Luthor_? Enough's enough, Bruce.

Bruce: *froths at the mouth* I'm the hero! You must be belittled! And constantly abused!

Clark: Yeah, about that, I've been thinking about filing a domestic abuse report.

Bruce: *laughs maniacally* See? You're an idiot. There is no us, Clark. I'm just the better man. I'm a genius! And I am not gay!

Clark: *still bleeding* Then why do you keep doing this to me? It's a little hard to take, this obsession of yours.

Bruce: *leans down and whispers* It's all right, Clark. After this, you get to fly off and have eight pages of inexplicable sex with Diana. Don't say I never did anything for you. At least you get laid. No one else in this book does.

Clark: *flips ahead* That's crazy! Diana? Why? "Mountains shook and the earth moved." What? Where's Lois?

Bruce: *glares* Wonder Woman can have Superman, but Clark Kent belongs to me.

Clark: Aha! You _are_ gay for me, even if I am fugly for no reason now.

Bruce: *wistful sigh* You were beautiful once, weren't you?

Clark: Gay! Although, I do have to say, you were pretty hot, back in the day. Now look at you.

Bruce: *fumes* Get out of my cave!

 

**Act II: All-Star Batman and Robin**

 

Dick: You. Live. In. A. Cave.

Bruce: Go eat a rat!

Dick: Ew! What is wrong with you?

Bruce: I'm a man! The Goddamn Batman! I eat rats for fun. Now, shoo! And go sew up a costume while you're at it. We'll fight crime together. Won't that be neat?

Dick: Why aren't you locked up? You got a Wii in here or something? Ipod?

Bruce: I'm trying to teach you something. How to survive this cold, cruel world. What's wrong with _you_?

Dick: Can't I just go upstairs? You're Bruce Wayne, aren't you? We're parked right under your house.

Bruce: *amazed* Figured it out? You're a detective, just like me! This is why we're meant to be partners.

Dick: *rolls eyes*

 

Bruce: Alfred, call that clown in Metropolis. Have him run and fetch the doctor.

Dick: What clown?

Bruce: Shut up. No one important.

Dick: That guy you keep staring at?

Bruce: Oh Kent, you have got the _sweetest_ ass...

Dick: I can't believe you just said that out loud. Ew.

Bruce: *horrified* I did not!

Dick: *shrugs* So you're gay. Big deal. As long as you don't have a thing for kids, I'm cool.

Bruce: *macho poses, with stubble* I just dry-humped Black Canary. In the rain. She wears fishnets. You can't get any cooler or straighter than _that_. Besides, I screw Catwoman on a regular basis. Who's the man, huh? Who's the man? Say it!

Dick: *snorts* Whatever.

Bruce: *grimaces* Say it!

Dick: *rolls eyes* You're the man. Speaking of, you going to take care of that redhead or what? I think she's bleeding to death. Dude, she needs a hospital.

Bruce: What, are you dense? Are you retarded or something? I just put my monkey boy on it.

Dick: Your man-crush? What's he going to do?

Bruce: He's got superpowers! I just blackmailed the crap out of him! I know who he is and he has no clue who I am because I'm a genius and he's an idiot!

Dick: Are you twelve? That's no way to get a blowjob. Try flowers. Besides when he gets here, he'll know who you are.

Bruce: *cackles* No he won't. He's not smart like us, Dick.

Dick: He's Superman, right? *points to roof of cave* All he has to do is look up.

Bruce: Oh crap.

 

Bruce: *smooshes Superman and Wonder Woman action figures together* I hate men! Kiss me!

Dick: *munches Alfred-made burger* You are _so_ twelve.

Bruce: But it's hot, right? The world's most powerful man and woman. *glares* And completely straight.

Dick: Making your own Superman porn is not straight.

Bruce: *smooshes dolls together again* The lightning, it strikes them both!

Dick: You want his ass, just say it.

Bruce: *throws dolls to cave floor, snarls* Why you little...

Dick: *polishes off burger* There's the closet. Open it.

Bruce: *furious* I'm not gay! You're the one who's gay!

Dick: *laughs* Dude, I'm twelve. How could you possibly know what I am?

Bruce: *hides book under some manila folders* I just do, okay?

Dick: Wait, is that the book? *grabs*

Bruce: Dick, no!

Dick: *flips pages*

Bruce: Goddammit! This is the prequel, we're not supposed to read the end.

Dick: *reads end, eyes wide* Oh Jesus, just kill me now.

Bruce: *growls* Believe me, I thought about it. I was stuck in the car with you for four issues, remember?

Dick: On second thought, when Superman gets here, I'll just go live with him, 'k?

Bruce: *appalled* You can't do that! You're supposed to worship _my_ manliness!

Dick: He has a dog. And a mature relationship.

Bruce: I can get a dog. I like dogs. And that bitch? Like that's ever going to work.

Dick: Jealous much?

Bruce: He's an idiot!

Dick: He's Clark Kent, isn't he? Doesn't he write, you know, _words_ for a living? And have a college degree? By the way, where's yours?

Bruce: *stomps* Mine is from the school of life, you little shit! I've traveled the world, trained with the best...

Dick: You're a dropout, huh?

Bruce: *fists of rage, spittle* Fuck off! I'm better than him! Better!

Dick: *munches a fry* Whatever.

Bruce: *sinister smile* Besides, he's enraged by my very existence. He hates my genius, my mystery, my darkness...Heh. Sunshine hero. Poster boy. What a crock.

Dick: WTF? Are you _trying_ to piss him off? Wait, that's it! You _want_ him to slam you up against a wall and...

Bruce: *eyes glaze over* All that power that no human can withstand. Except me...

Dick: Ha! You take it up the ass.

Bruce: *shakes lust haze* I've never...I'm the Goddamn Batman! I fuck people up, dispense justice. No one touches my ass. I kick ass! All cockroaches beneath my boot. All of them!

Dick: *backs away* You need some serious help.

Bruce: I'm the center of your world.

Dick: Yeesh!

 

Clark: *arrives with doctor, looks up through roof* Heh, Bruce Wayne. Well, I'll be...

Bruce: You're an imbecile. *drools*

Clark: *baffled* Are you...? You know, I'm seeing someone.

Bruce: *leers* Is that why you go around kissing other women? 

Clark: How did...? I have no clue what that was about, honestly.

Bruce: *ominous* I know everything, Kent.

Clark: Look, you're not a bad-looking guy but...

Bruce: *looms* Bad-looking? I'm hot as shit. Bad-ass and hot. I piss you off. I...

Clark: *crosses arms* Need to back away. Now.

Bruce: *looms closer* Make me.

Clark: *sighs* That's not what I'm about.

Bruce: *practically on him* You have no idea what I can do to you, Kent.

Clark: Only my editor calls me that. Look, if you're going to be that way, call me Clark.

Bruce: Clark...

Clark: Er, Bruce? Personal space, please.

Dick: Jesus! Get a room! I'm already scarred for life as it is.

Clark: *backs away, puts hand on Dick's shoulder* Look...Bruce...I'm taking the kid.

Dick: He tried to make me eat rats!

Clark: *appalled* That's child abuse! What's wrong with you?

Dick: That's what I've been saying. Can we go now?

Clark: *grins* Sure, we'll stop by IKEA, get you a bunk bed. How's that sound?

Dick: *rolls eyes* I'm not eight.

Clark: *confused* Oh. That's the other canon. I get them mixed up.

Bruce: *hand flail* See? He's an idiot! What did I tell you? Besides, he's staying with me and that's that.

Clark: I can't do that! I'll call child services.

Bruce: That's the way the story goes.

Clark: Why? It makes no sense.

Bruce: *frightening laugh* It's not supposed to make sense. I pwn everyone and the kid stays with me. You're just supposed to do what I say! Because I'm a genius. And I kick ass. The cool guy always wins.

Clark: You're insane!

Bruce: The world's insane, Clark. A cruel and evil place. Only I can make it work. I'll solve everything.

Clark: *raises eyebrow* Including your little *ahem* problem?

Bruce: Problem? I get laid all the time! Women throw themselves at me! I don't even need to open up the suit that's how virile I am.

Clark: And men?

Bruce: Disgusting perverts! I spit in their face. Evil.

Clark: *puzzled* You're homophobic? But you just came on to me...

Bruce: *blinks* I did not! I merely threatened you. That's not the same thing at all. You're a joke! A cardboard laugh-riot.

Clark: *nods* I've been better written. This is just painful.

Bruce: *hangs head* Jesus, so have I. *looks up* Remember when we were friends?

Clark: *puts hand on Bruce's shoulder* Yeah, good times.

Dick: Can we go now?

Clark: Sure. *leaves with Dick*

Bruce: He'll just be back by the next issue, Clark! Don't waste your...Idiot. *clenches gauntlet* You'll be back, Clark. I've got you now. *collapses in chair, broods*


End file.
